Subtlety within the Enlightened Mind

Posted: May 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

Over the course of the past two months I’ve written extensively about the nature of enlightenment, my own experiences, and more. I’ve also included links below to the descriptions of my initial awakening and my enlightenment experience.

http://thehealingnarcissist.com/2014/10/16/this-is-the-story-of-my-awakening-to-the-world/
http://thehealingnarcissist.com/2014/11/02/the-experience-of-enlightenment-part-i-before/
http://thehealingnarcissist.com/2014/11/02/the-experience-of-enlightenment-part-ii-during/

Lao Tzu, in the Tao Te Ching said that “Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know”, and had many other wonderful statements to share – all of which are misunderstood by those who do not know. When he also said that “naming is the origin of all particular things”, he was very much indicating that words got us into this mess and are not the way out. Words, concepts, and ideas, are traps for the mind; and yet they are all that we have to share the nature of truth. And so I do my best with them.

This past week has been of particular challenge to me – but in such a beautiful way. I have now inclined my mind toward the perfection of enlightenment, knowing full well that having a goal is the best way to ensure absolute failure. And so it is not a goal, nor a desire, but an inclination with intensity that is grounded in actions and not expected outcomes. The steps I take will be taken, but I do not concern myself with their fruits. As Krishna says in the Bhagavad Gita, “Surrendering all thoughts of outcome, unperturbed, self-reliant, he does nothing at all, even when fully engaged in actions.”

I’ve spent this past week stripping away several layers of self – moving myself through the last major trap that had kept me bound up within my egoic consciousness. I say this carefully though, knowing that even to say this is itself a trap. Much of my effort has been focused on letting go of my idea that I am here to save this world. Indeed what an ego. It was my belief that I would awaken this world to the deeper meaning of truth and in doing so, save it from itself. These past two months of living on the streets of Seattle have taught me the futility of such a thing.

Surrounded by alcohol, drugs, and insanity, I have been confronted with all manner of challenges. Trying to find deeper meaning within it all, I turned to the video teachings of Ram Daas, Eckhart Tolle, and Alan Watts, to name a few. I have learned now to let go of the world. To accept it as it is. It is still my profound belief that we must accept things as they are and always nudge them in the direction of love and kindness, but I no longer seek to change the world. I seek only to be within the moment, as the observer of my own experience, from one moment to the next, no matter what the moment may contain.

This has been my practice all along, but wearing the weight of saving the world, as my ego would have liked, I was still caught up in seeing so much misery and, watching with a detached view, wondering how I could fix it all – trying to escalate the deepening of my experience so that God would allow me to charge forth on a white horse and, with trumpets blaring, pull the world out of the flames of its own burning ignorance. Laugh if you will, I know that I did, once I let it all go. There is still a sadness that I am working with at a very subtle level though – the sadness of acceptance.

When I had my enlightenment experience, out of the compassion of my heart, I took the Bodhisattva vow. I still hold to my compassionate heart – though it has been through a hardening in order to learn the true nature of compassion, where love meets difficulty and how to hold the world at a tender distance. That I am awakened, living within the enlightened mind, and focused on the practice of compassion is all that I can do – and continue to do. Surrendering over and over again to each moment of my life – every challenge that God puts before me, thankful for the opportunities granted me.

I had no teacher and yet every moment has been my teacher. Instead, I have studied the works of many teachers, both living and dead – and achieved enlightenment by my own efforts, as willed by God. Within the tradition that gave rise to my awakening, this places me on the path of the Samyaksambuddha (a self-enlightened one), achieved through Vīryādhika (great effort). I no longer consider myself a Buddhist though. When one sees the totality of truth, all such distinctions, tied to the sense of self, dissolve.  I once studied what the Buddha taught; now I walk as the Buddha walked. And yet there is more here – I sense that my depths have not yet been fully plumbed.

And so I am shifting my attentions now. I am making plans to leave the streets and enter into a new journey. I do not yet know exactly what this next phase will look like or where it will take me, but my path is clear to me in that there is still a path before me. Or who knows, perhaps God will convince me to stay for a bit longer.  Either way my book will continue – and I hope to complete it soon. What I am doing now has no effect other than that I may add to it later on down the road. What it contains is all true and useful to anyone who wishes to touch the face of God for themselves, to reach into the collective consciousness of all beings, and to become one with the universe.

Most of you believe me to be insane – or you talk to me and realize that I am more sane than most of this world. Either way it does not matter. Whether or not you’ve seen the truth for yourself does not make the truth any less true. Read the Tao Te Ching, The Bhagavad Gita, The Words of the Buddha, The Teachings of Jesus and open your eyes. You are lost in an illusion – you are clinging to a sense of self that is not real, and it keeps your trapped, separate from what is real. That I could but put this realization in the form of a pill and give it to you to swallow – but alas it cannot be so… And this is the sadness.

Within the subtleties of my mind, I see the sadness for what it is. I am still clinging to the idea that you can be saved; that your own eyes can be opened. I am still holding onto the idea that I can help you do so. But I cannot. All that I can do is serve – all that I can do is continue on my own journey, share what I have learned to the best of my ability, surrender my actions to God, and let go of all expectations. To be the example of love and compassion, to demonstrate what it is to live within the enlightened mind, and perhaps one day to leave the ego behind entirely.

I’ll keep you posted…

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