So You Think Me Insane

Posted: May 12, 2015 in Personal Stories

Many people think I’m insane. What a lovely notion. Yes, I was a narcissist. That was my insanity. Notice the past tense of the statement. When one steps out of the illusion and reaches the other shore, they leave behind all notions of a self. If there is no self, then what is left to be insane?

From my perspective, insanity is giving weight to your thoughts, thinking that you are someone. It is getting up each morning to drive an hour to work, spend 10 hours in a cubicle, drive an hour home, microwave a dinner, sit in front of the television, and do this day in and day out. That is true insanity.

What people have difficulty with is the idea of what it is that I have done. Who leaves behind a six figure income and a beautiful apartment in order to purposely become homeless? What kind of man goes from being a narcissistic asshole to being an ambassador of love and kindness?

I say that I experienced a spiritual awakening as I plumbed the depths of my own beingness, trying to break free of my narcissistic tendencies. That it deepened and deepened, until I passed through the eye of enlightenment – and that it deepens still. People shake their heads.

They ask me where I received my training, what teachers I speak for, what my lineage is. I say that there is but one lineage and that The Teacher was my teacher, is my teacher and that the teacher is me. They scoff and walk on, believing what they will of me.

They watch me sit on the sidewalk with my little sign, waxing on poetically about the nature of all things with anyone who comes to speak with me. They look on with skepticism, as I continue to say over and over that I will not accept money – that I decline it whenever offered.

They ponder my presence as I walk along the street with a smile on my face and a whistle on my lips, happily spinning my cane in the air, greeting everyone that I come into contact with. They wonder what drugs I must be on, and stand in disbelief when I say ‘none’.

I speak of enlightenment so they assume that I must not understand what enlightenment is. One who is truly enlightened does not claim such things do they? When they ask me if I am enlightened I say yes and no, pointing out that the question itself is in error.

I explain that enlightenment is everything and nothing, drawing deeply from the inner wisdom that I am now connected to. I speak from the heart, in alignment with the teachings of all enlightened beings who have ever arisen in the world. They ask me how I know these things – I smile.

Thinking that I’m insane is an easy method of dismissal. If it makes you feel better to think that I’m insane, then I will be insane for your peace of mind. But know this – I am more sane then you are if you still believe in your thoughts, if you still think that you are someone.

If I am insane then let me be insanely in love with the world. Mine is a beautiful insanity, dancing with God in the heavenly realm of a clear mind and a joyous heart. You should be so lucky as to be insane like I am. For my insanity is not insanity, but sanity. True sanity. The sanity of no self.

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